It's Time we Talk Seriously About Bathroom Attendants
Look, I appreciate the thought, I really do. I enjoy that whatever overpriced establishment I happen to be spending my time at that evening wants me to have the most easy going, seamless bathroom experience of my life, I understand where they're coming from. I guess when you charge $10 for a luke warm bud light the least you can do is have a stable boy offering up soap and paper towel to everyone in sight. But it is seriously time we have a conversation about bathroom attendants and the extreme awkwardness they create when you've just relieved yourself after a night of drinking.
As a guy who's trying to jump start his own brand/clothing line/podcast/website I fucking love the hustle in these people. If you're gonna beg someone to soap they're hands of a mean shit, just to make a buck, I can't help but respect that. I get a little discouraged when I go a day or two without selling a shirt, I can't even imagine what these people feel after going a disturbingly smelly shit or two without a tip. Nothing but respect. But guys, I am sorry, I'm just not gonna tip a bathroom attendant. I just won't do it. Does that make me an asshole? I don't think so, I think it makes me an extremely reasonable human being. First off, I'm broke. Whatever bar I'm at I can barely afford to be there in the first place let alone afford to be shelling out a few bucks every time I show my face in the fucking bathroom. Just not in the budget. Secondly, while I do appreciate someone taking on the burden of putting on soap and then drying my hands for me...... I PROMISE YOU, I can do that stuff on my own. Very easily too. Washing and drying hands may be the easiest single task a human being can carry out in their life, I just can't justify tipping someone for unnecessarily helping me with that. Again, am I an asshole? I vehemently deny it. If the guy wants to unzip my pants, grab a handful and do the dirty work for me, then maybe I can shell out a few bones; as long as the job is just cozying up next to me at the sink and making sure I realize that someone else is giving me the soap and paper towel (like I somehow wouldn't notice already) then I'm out.
The awkwardness sucks. I know they're hustling. They don't wanna pay rent by being errand boys for wasted people in a fucking bathroom. But, I don't wanna pay for stupid shit. They give me the towel, I say thanks, and I walk away and neither of us feel good about it. Why are we creating that environment in bathrooms? If anything bathroom should be a happy place. A place you can be completely free. You can smell bad, be loud, feel relief like you've never felt before. Bathrooms are the safe spaces in public establishments, this whole attendant thing is like a Russian spy working their way thru the Pentagon in the 1970's (I just watched The Courier, sue me). Just a toxic environment. I hate it. Not to mention: BECAUSE they have attendants they just empty out all of the regular paper towel dispensers?????? What the fuck is that about?!!? Creating a monopoly on the paper towel market in your bathroom? I'm still not tipping you dipshits and now all that happens is the line is more backed up. The whole thing is fucked. It's time we re evaluate bathroom attendants.
More on yesterday's podcast.