The Lions Defense is Mind Bogglingly Pathetic

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Yeah yeah yeah the Lions got their shit pushed in by the Packers last night on national television in a game where Aaron Rodgers went from being a washed up hippie that might not care anymore, back to being Aaron Rodgers. What the fuck else is new. It actually feels like that's been the story line of every Lions-Packers game over the course of my 24 year old loser NFL fan life. But I'm not here to talk about how much I hate Rodgers or how bad his haircut is, that'll be juice for the second meeting in which the Lions surely blow another second half lead in more than embarrassing fashion, so until then let's talk about how the Detroit Lions defense is the most pathetic unit in ALL OF SPORTS. Not the worst defense in the NFL, a worse defense than the 2019 Red Wings defense. A worse unit than the Junior Varsity Troy High School Baseball team's offense that hit a collective .122 on the season. A worse unit than the staff at my local Chipotle that for some reason behaves like when I ask for double rice, I'm taking rice out of their pockets. A generationally bad unit, perhaps the worst unit ever, and that's coming off a Lions defense last year that I thought just might lead to me peaking over the edge of the Ambassador Bridge. Seriously though, how can you be a unit made up of so called NFL talent and you can't stop FUCKING ANYBODY. Not one fucking time, you can't stop a soul. My senior year of high school our football team went 1-8 and we couldn't score for shit. I don't want to point fingers but the offensive line never once contended for a line of scrimmage and that was always pretty much where it started and ended. I said "hike" they got pushed back 4 yards and then the game ended and the other team had 40 more points than us. I say all that to say, this Lions defense is such a fucking joke, the 2015 Colts would run circles around them. Our offensive line that was probably weighing in at an average of 160 lbs would push these posies all around the yard, and those dudes could barely move the sled in practice. The linebacking situation the Lions are dealing with would've made me look like prime Cam Newton between the tackles and anybody in our backfield look like Barry Sanders, they're that fucking bad. And god forbid anybody in the secondary cover anyone. Like actually god forbid on a 3rd down and 8 the cornerbacks anticipate a 9 yard curl and actually sit up on their coverage, nah fuck that, it'd be a lot cooler if they just played 15 yards off and after the easy pitch and catch for the first down came up and missed the open field tackle. That's Lions football. 

It absolutely infuriates me having to watch these BUMS waste everyone's time whenever the Lions don't have the ball. And don't get me wrong, the offense isn't anything to write home about either, but at least the offense seems to have an idea of their objective. They seem to have the faintest idea of how to move the ball down the field and score points. They have a couple guys that look like they'd graduate from any of the other 30 practice squads in the league. Look at the defense and it is a practice squad. The collection of talent is so fucking bad that I don't even wanna know what our practice squad looks like, just imagining 11 Fat Tony's running around except instead of sacrificing their performance for cheeseburgers, they just all naturally blow at football. No cheeseburger anti PED necessary. 

God I hate this fucking defense. Sure 17 points from the O isn't great, at least they did their job those 3 times though. Sure Jared Goff putting the ball on the ground like they covered that shit in grease is less than ideal, at least there were possessions when he didn't put that shit on the ground like it was covered in grease. The defense is bad ALL THE TIME, and I am so fucking tired of watching it. Nobody covers, nobody tackles, nobody rushes the passer, nobody does fucking anything of value and they have the nerve to wheel out guys like Alex Anzalone out there multiple weeks in a row, that dude genuinely might be the worst football player on earth, no disrespect. Just mind boggling how a defense that was mind bogglingly bad last year, seemingly got worse coming into this year... how the fuck does that happen. And more importantly, how the fuck do we fix it, sure as hell hope MCDC has an idea otherwise I'll be sinking to the bottom of the Detroit River with a cinderblock tied to my leg sooner rather than later. 

 


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