Seriously, who's bright idea was it that The Fourth of July only be celebrated for a day? That's gotta be up there for one of the biggest oversights in the history of the American holiday calendar. Like, why the fuck would we handcuff ourselves to only celebrating for one day? I did some research to see if I couldn't get a name on the assclown who decided a long weekend was plenty enough, in my rigorous 2 minutes of research I did not find a name, or really anything on who gatekeeps tradition as far as celebrating holidays go. Which leads me to think that someone in 1776 decided to have a party on the 4th, everyone was hungover, and here we are stuck with only 1 day to celebrate 250 years later. Imagine not sucking all of the holiday juice out of LITERALLY GAINING YOUR INDEPENDENCE. You're telling me we celebrate the same amount for both defeating the world's number 1 power and becoming a free nation AND something called Labor Day? Where we celebrate the workforce? Or women in labor? That alone goes to show how disgraceful it is that we don't get a week off.
When Tuesday rolled around, going on day 4 of the bender, who was the asshole that said, "hey guys wasn't 3 days enough? Shouldn't we all get back to working the jobs we hate? We don't want any more time off do we?" who was that fucking guy?!?! And why?! It blows my mind that while the entirety of the 13 colonies was ready for their hangover to turn into day drunk for the 4th straight day some pompous, industrious dingbat suggested that they should sober up and get back to what? Improving the country? Fuck that noise. And now in 2021 I still can't believe everyone gets all riled up and goes big for just a long weekend in the summer? We totally should just celebrate for a week, one week a year everyone in America can do whatever they want. You don't have to worry about jackshit other than whatever it is you want to do for a week straight. But no, a 3 day weekend is plenty according to Alfred F Douchbag in 1776. Blows my mind. I literally don't even know what we celebrate on Labor Day and it's the same celebration span, what a joke that is.
Crazy to think that whatever clown rained on the Fourth parade is the same guy that was ratting on John Adams and Thomas Jefferson for cheating on their arithmetic assignments. How the fuck did this guy make it out of the 2nd grade without getting tarred and feathered?
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